The Final Goodbye

                                     The Final Goodbye

It had been two months since Lassie passed away. I can still remember the time very vividly. It is like a videotape playing over and over again in my head. We were all huddled around my fourteen year old bitch as she lay on her bed covered in blankets and shawl in the chilly December month. The very same morning I had sent this message to one of my close friends at around 4:00 am.

                   “I woke up and looked around for Lassie. She was not in my room. Her bed was missing as well. Then I went to my parent’s room and there she was, near the heater. Mom was sitting beside her. She told me that Lassie had probably tried to walk as she wanted to go to some corner (I have been told that dogs look for corners when they know death is approaching). She had tried to move between the television rack and got stuck and then she had wailed piteously till mom came and took Lassie to her room. I sat by her for an hour. I couldn’t forgive myself for not waking up but was thankful that mom had. I can’t believe that I am saying this but I wish she passes away soon without any pain. I can’t see her suffering like this. I can’t see her pain. It breaks my heart.”

The afternoon of the same day, Lassie slept as I caressed her. She stretched to take one last look at mom and she was gone. I wouldn’t believe it at first. I wouldn’t let them cover her because I thought it would hinder her breathing. I wouldn’t let anybody touch her or touch me. I kept looking for a  heartbeat, some sign that she was still there. There was none. Realization when it came, swept everything away as I wept and wept as if my heart would break.

It has been two months since and yet last night I met her. I was walking somewhere I can’t remember and suddenly a snowy white dog came towards me. Its ears bent backwards and tail wagging furiously, a greeting Lassie reserved for the time when we met after a long period. It was Lassie indeed. Right there in front of me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I could touch her. I moved my hand towards her, not touching. There seemed to be an invisible wall dividing us. But in one fluid motion Lassie jumped up and licked me and the barrier was broken.
I wept with joy and grief. I hugged her and cried convulsively. Soon after my tears dried up and my cheeks were thoroughly licked by Lassie, we decided to play. I cannot explain how I felt in that moment. I was so happy, so overwhelmed. I was playing with her after such a long time.

I don’t know for how long we had been playing when my mother came there. She was looking at me but I did not pay any attention to her. I could talk to her later. I couldn’t leave Lassie now.
The perspective changed. Suddenly I was my mother looking at myself from a distance. I saw myself laughing and crying and running and playing. But there was no Lassie. It was just me playing with the air in happy oblivion. That is when I woke up. My cheeks were wet with tears and yet I felt a certain happiness inside. I knew she had visited me. She had come to spend some time with me, to say goodbye and I was glad she had come.